Taboo

I have a taboo subject: it’s drinking to control pain levels. As someone who has chronic pain and who also grew up with an alcoholic father, I understand drinking to control pain levels. My dad says that he has chronic pain that his back hurts and he has reason to say that drinking calms that some. I don’t think that gives him carte blanche to have been drunk for majority of my life or to blow off a chance to spend quality time with his grandchild. Part of me gets it, part of me understands, part of me feels that fuzzy bliss, that lack of pain that ability to float through…. the other part is still so angry at him for allowing himself to miss the happy, the joyful, the hard parts that come with being part of someone’s life that are so worth it. do I want my pain levels ? no. do I want my life? yes. do I wish there was a way to have this fuzzy blissful feeling all the time ? you bet your sweet ass. would I trade it to be numb? not on your fucking life. I had a long conversation with a friend today about what my pain levels mean the nerve damage in my back feels most of the time like a spiders crawling on me or what you would equate to a foot being a sleep, not a nice feeling but it’s a lot better than pain… just what used to be and we all have our varying degrees of what we can tolerate what is our base level of one out of 10 and we also have our base level of what we are willing to give up in comparison to what we are willing to strive for I hope you continue to view what you’re willing to strive for instead of what you’re willing to give up.

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