Taboo

I have a taboo subject: it’s drinking to control pain levels. As someone who has chronic pain and who also grew up with an alcoholic father, I understand drinking to control pain levels. My dad says that he has chronic pain that his back hurts and he has reason to say that drinking calms that some. I don’t think that gives him carte blanche to have been drunk for majority of my life or to blow off a chance to spend quality time with his grandchild. Part of me gets it, part of me understands, part of me feels that fuzzy bliss, that lack of pain that ability to float through…. the other part is still so angry at him for allowing himself to miss the happy, the joyful, the hard parts that come with being part of someone’s life that are so worth it. do I want my pain levels ? no. do I want my life? yes. do I wish there was a way to have this fuzzy blissful feeling all the time ? you bet your sweet ass. would I trade it to be numb? not on your fucking life. I had a long conversation with a friend today about what my pain levels mean the nerve damage in my back feels most of the time like a spiders crawling on me or what you would equate to a foot being a sleep, not a nice feeling but it’s a lot better than pain… just what used to be and we all have our varying degrees of what we can tolerate what is our base level of one out of 10 and we also have our base level of what we are willing to give up in comparison to what we are willing to strive for I hope you continue to view what you’re willing to strive for instead of what you’re willing to give up.

Pets

I sat and sobbed recently. So hard that the tears flowed and the sobs made noise. My dog was the one who came to kiss me. To tell me I’d be ok to try again tomorrow. A house full of family and the animal was the only one so could protect & love me. I will forever be thankful for his white furry face .

Marriage

There’s this place in a marriage where you accept what you did. I can’t call it settling because that’s unkind. My husband loves me deeply. He does a fuck Ton he really doesn’t want to do because he loves me. He doesn’t look at other girls. But for fucks sake does he hold my hand? Does he care for me like i need? Hell no. I am not “happy” he doesn’t hug me, snuggle me, dote on me. But he loves me. Just in that god damn way i have no control of. I can rationally see it but it still leaves an ache in me so deep it breaks me

Confidence

There’s a woman at the gym that i cross paths with often. And by often i mean pretty much daily. Our daughters are similar in age. We both nursed until they were 2. She is so dedicated, constantly training. We talk in passing about her workouts, and in a non professional sense- i just listen usually because she has methods she likes to stick to. But she came to me a few months ago burnt the fuck out. Life & training had her down, and she wasn’t getting the results she wanted. I listened. And i said, you are someone else inspiration, take a break or make a change if you need it, but don’t you spend your time comparing yourself to someone else’s results. We parted ways and went back to our normal exchanges. Yesterday, as we swam with our girls out of coincidence, she made a point to thank me for my words. Because it helped remind her to keep going.

Confidence is something we build from the inside. It’s not in a high heel or a new lipstick or perfect arms. It’s in you. Your light shining through. No one else’s. We are all so different and it needs to be embraced, not fought.

Caring differently

After i had Rowan, i learned to care differently. Not less or more. Just a change in direction. I no longer cared as much what i looked like, but rather how i felt. I no longer cared as much who i was with, but how they treated me. I lost my ability to give fucks about things like sleep, no matter how much i miss it, because time is different now. I hope to high heaven that i live to be a hundred and get to watch every part of her life unfold, but if i don’t, i care about her so deeply, that she will always know how much she is loved. I don’t care about going places, as much as i care about the experience we have while we are there. I don’t care so much about perfect pictures as i do about capturing moments i want to keep forever. I just care differently now.

Upside down life

Our world turned upside down last June. It’s been almost a year and i am overwhelmed with emotions. Grief is so consuming. My heart is broken for the loss in our family. I am sad and so very angry. My husband will never be the same. I’m overcome by selfish pain because my focus has been to care for my husband and sweet girl. As we come up on the anniversary, i am so filled with fear. Of losing my own husband. I spoke this weekend with a dear friend about how fucked up it is that i would never fear to lose him to another woman, but instead to the hands of death. I need him here. I still don’t understand how any of it has happened. I want to write a book called The Outsiders Grief. My loss is nothing compared to my sister in law, my mother in law, my husband, his sister. But it is here. It is a weight that flipped the world upside down. My daughter won’t know one of the most wonderful men I’ve ever met. I want to lay on the floor for a week. I want to turn back time more than anything. But i can’t. And it so consuming. Maybe if i wrote the book this summer, it would allow me some peace. A cathartic release about this journey. Life will never be the same. But i have to do something. I cannot sit and let it fester. Our lives have got to continue forward. Our marriage has become stronger. We have learned to speak, to understand, to ask for what we need. To give each other space but still hold on so tightly. It’s so consuming right now. I keep feeling like i am on a train track running next to the rest of the family- trying to keep mine running smoothly (and struggling to) while i race along next to them. I can see them all struggling as well, but i never have the right words. Are there “right” words after death? Is there any salve to calm such an extensive hurt. We have the ability to be so thankful that we were given the chance to know someone so wonderful. To carry them with us. To honor them. My donut obsession is an homage to my grandfather who made my life so wonderful. He died over 15 years ago and i still cry for the loss. That was a different kind of traumatic death. Not like this. This is different. Being a wife, a sister, a daughter in law is a journey in itself. But to struggle through loss and never feel like you know how to act or know what to say is….. something that drives my anxiety to a point where my body feels electrified. I will continue to do my best. To breathe. To find ways to be there, and care in my own way. Even if it feels like I’m on the outside of the window…. somehow it’s raining on both sides, and it feels like my umbrella just won’t open right now. The best i can do is the best i can do. I’m sending love to those falling through grief, struggling to breathe. Get up again, find joy after the tears. Let the water wash away the pain and then honor the life. Keep going.

Dinner

Why does dinner have to be such a thing? Like planning it, shopping for it, making it, cleaning up after it. Such an ordeal. I’ve been trying to make it a little easier because I’m not always home for it and I don’t like leftovers. I found at least one recipe that reheats well for a spring pasta:

And added goat cheese & pasta to this mix of chicken, mushrooms, asparagus, and tomatoes. I know I’m not the only mom out there struggling. Not just with food. I know I’m not the only woman out there struggling. And it’s not just dinner. It’s a bad anxiety cycle right now.

One positive thing I’m going to do for myself is get rid of all my jeans that make me feel bad about myself and go thru the horror of buying new. I never wear them, partially because I have none that flatter me. Is that because there’s something wrong with me or my body? No. (Alright there are lots of things wrong with my body but they are pain related not butt 😂) the world makes jeans for my shape. I just have to find them. So if you’re out there and have a brand of jeans you love, tell me. If you have a recipe that’s making your week, share it. 💗

Chest Opener Series

Hi hi! I posted the video to insta and can always post again but my favorite series to open the rib cage is:

Childs Pose -walk hands to each side, push into the hip as you reach away.

Cat & Cow 3x each- wiggle and play to find the space you need.

Thread the needle- think about drawing your shoulder blades away from your spine as you twist.

Down Dog

Sphinx (with belly lift) use your cat/cow mentality but with your hips and legs staying on the floor. Your navel should lift away as you tuck your chin, pressing your spine up between your shoulder blades and then press the hips down as you lift your head back up.

Scorpion chest release- your leg becomes your scorpion tail, do this one once with the arms straight and once with elbows bent at 90 straight out from shoulder or slightly below.

Childs pose

Take your time, breathe deeply 3 times into each pose. Listen to your body and modify where you need!

May challenge

It’s May first! I’m using it as a chance for a fresh start. Tomorrow, I will not only make food for my daughter. I will do more than drink coffee. Even if I’m not feeling well (I don’t usually do well in the morning with food) I will make myself a smoothie. I will get myself to eat and eat healthy foods. They are right here in the house. There is no reason I care for everyone else and then just leave myself to the wind. I deserve to be cared for too. So that’s what this is about. This challenge is to better care for yourself. If your long term goal is to lose weight, maybe that means you choose to eat out less during this challenge. Or drink less alcohol. One big thing? Get some better sleep. No laying in bed with the TV on or your phone being checked. Let your body have some down time this month. Be kind to yourself! Don’t worry, I want you to choose to workout too- so if that’s where your motivation is lacking, make that part of your month. Let your choices be driven by your hopes and goals. Take a picture of yourself today. Send it to me. When the challenge is over, we are going to compare the people, the one you were, and the one you became through better habits, and more happiness.

Kettle bell workout

Little total body for the calorie burn but the focus is on the booty and thighs.

Curtsy with curl and press x10

Plié (2 pulses) with single arm row x10

Curtsy with curl and press x10 on the other side

Plié (2 pulses) with single arm row x10 on the other side

Kettle bell swing x60 seconds

Heel Lifts x30 seconds

Pulses x30 seconds

(Give yourself an active rest with some nice inchworms or V ups)

Do it again, 3x.

Go!