Marriage

There’s this place in a marriage where you accept what you did. I can’t call it settling because that’s unkind. My husband loves me deeply. He does a fuck Ton he really doesn’t want to do because he loves me. He doesn’t look at other girls. But for fucks sake does he hold my hand? Does he care for me like i need? Hell no. I am not “happy” he doesn’t hug me, snuggle me, dote on me. But he loves me. Just in that god damn way i have no control of. I can rationally see it but it still leaves an ache in me so deep it breaks me

Begin again. Always begin again.

As I lay here on a Sunday night, a basket of laundry in my peripheral vision calling me (very quietly) to put it away (I never really do) with SVU back on the tube, I reflect on the last two years of my life. They have been no doubt the best, and also that worst of my life. Tonight, at dinner, my sweet Rowan turned to me and said, “Daddy saved you, didn’t he, Mommy?” I blinked. And then said yes baby, I think he did. We have been keeping each other going. Quietly. Slowly. We have spent the last two years trying to get settled. Ive had a million reasons not to write or reach out. I’ll share them all, eventually.

Recently, I realized I need to start looking outward. I’ve taken the better part of the past year to just focus inward. On my child, my husband, myself. I changed my position at work so that I could keep my tunnel vision. It was what I needed to do right then. For my body too. A few weeks ago, my mind came back. It started to work again. Ideas. Passion. Like something broke back open.

Here I am. Beginning again.

My name is Irish. I’m a 33 year old Harry Potter addict who works out on the side. No but seriously. I have been a personal trainer, yoga, Pilates & barre instructor for over ten years. Teaching is my happy place. It’s how I share light (and pain) with those I love. My clients become my friends, my family. I want to share that with you too.

I will be posting workouts. Sometimes 5 minutes of stretching, like today. To be kind to yourself. Because no matter what your fitness goals, that is so very important. I cannot tell you how much kindness & happiness can change the body. Kindness to yourself, and happiness in your body will alter your appearance. You will read my rants about this.

Sometimes I will post challenges. Ways to push yourself, to find creativity in your workouts to keep your mind alive, and your body progressing.

Sometimes, like today… I’ll be thinking about the need to begin again. To have the courage to keep beginning again. No matter what. It’s ok to take time when you need it. Pause. For minutes, days, months…but you have to begin again. You have to wake up and try again.

My name is Irish. I have anxiety, chronic migraines and nerve damage in my left shoulder. I am hyper-mobile in many of my joints and have been working for years to find the correct way to workout to care for myself. I’ve taken this search for knowledge, this search, and translated it to helping others. The greatest majority of my clients who see me in person, come to me for help with pain. Pain management tends to be like a puzzle. Each piece has to be found and put together the right way to find relief. I pride myself in being part of the puzzle for so many.

My pain also helps me see the world a little differently. Perspective is so very important. My anxiety skews it from time to time…but the workouts help.

My name is Irish, I love donuts, perusing the ‘we made too much’ section of Lululemon, drinking too much iced coffee and leaving cupboard doors wide open so that it looks like a crazy person has been in my kitchen always.

I started teaching because I liked the workouts and benefits of yoga and Pilates, but I could not find anyone who had a message that resonated with me. The explanation of how my body was supposed to find what it needed was….. lacking. There was not enough. I wanted more. Different. So that’s what I became. I became the instructor I was looking for. I teach classes that are meaningful to me.

This life is meaningful to me. I’m not a super nice person. I’m not a cheer leader. My teaching style has been rebellious, and sometimes compared to a dominatrix. I don’t have all the answers. I’m on a quest to find them and share each one.

Strange beauty

Most people have beauty tricks. Some little quirk they love and believe in. Ive recently realized mine all revolve around healthy oils. Growing up, we always had apricot kernel oil in the house, my mom swore by it. To this day I love adding some to my moisturizer to make my skin glow. As I got older and started wearing waterproof mascara, I realized conventional methods of taking it off didn’t work. So my shower always holds a bottle of grape seed oil or olive oil- adds moisture and takes off even the best waterproof make up. I also found my sensitive legs only get a good shave if I used a sugar scrub instead of a shaving cream or soap. You can easily make your own, or I like to get mine down on state street. I also added an evening primrose supplement every other day to help keep my skin clear. My sister uses coconut oil on her tattoos instead of the recommended aquafor. Today I ordered avocado oil which I will mix with cinnamon & mustard seed as a scalp treatment.
What are your tricks? Do you use supplement to keep your skin healthy from the inside out??

No fun allowed

So a few weeks back I had a really awful pain flare up. Since my usual tricks of ice, rest, and lots of biofreeze/icyhot/tiger balm weren’t working, I went for acupuncture. I love acupuncture. It feels like it releases energy out of my body that is otherwise trapped and causing pain. This was my first visit to a new acupuncturist, and she recommended some new supplements and to cut out all caffeine, refined sugar and alcohol. That was easy for me to remember because in my mind that equals no fun. I do pretty well with avoiding these things, especially when my pain is high. Occasionally though, I want to be normal. I want a cup of coffee without fear that it won’t cause my nerves to react so strongly I can’t turn my head from the pain. I want to have a beer in hopes for a normal sized hangover. I don’t care much for sugar so that isn’t a terrible, I can get over that. But I love coffee. I adore a glass of whiskey out on the patio with Jon.

 

It’s strange though, I used to use caffeine to help ward off the headaches. One of my medications even has it in it. Now that I’ve been off it for a few weeks, I feel so sensitive to it that I can’t decide if I should go back. How long should I have no fun?? My neck and shoulder are better but my head is worse. If anyone has advice, I would love to hear it.