There’s this place in a marriage where you accept what you did. I can’t call it settling because that’s unkind. My husband loves me deeply. He does a fuck Ton he really doesn’t want to do because he loves me. He doesn’t look at other girls. But for fucks sake does he hold my hand? Does he care for me like i need? Hell no. I am not “happy” he doesn’t hug me, snuggle me, dote on me. But he loves me. Just in that god damn way i have no control of. I can rationally see it but it still leaves an ache in me so deep it breaks me
After i had Rowan, i learned to care differently. Not less or more. Just a change in direction. I no longer cared as much what i looked like, but rather how i felt. I no longer cared as much who i was with, but how they treated me. I lost my ability to give fucks about things like sleep, no matter how much i miss it, because time is different now. I hope to high heaven that i live to be a hundred and get to watch every part of her life unfold, but if i don’t, i care about her so deeply, that she will always know how much she is loved. I don’t care about going places, as much as i care about the experience we have while we are there. I don’t care so much about perfect pictures as i do about capturing moments i want to keep forever. I just care differently now.
I almost missed looking the most beautiful Iris, huge and purple and wonderful because I was looking at my feet. Yep. My feet. I was out walking The Pig, my ridiculously adorable Westie, and I was completely unaware of my surroundings and myself. My mind was stuck on my lists, all my things I need to do. So I took a deep breath, drew my shoulders down and back, brought myself to my full height and continued on my walk. Then at the beginning of each song that came on as I walked, I did the same thing. I realigned myself, brought myself back to center and assessed my body. I recommend you do the same- no matter what your preferred form of cardio is, take a moment at least part way through and re-align your posture. And take a moment to notice the flowers too.