Marriage

There’s this place in a marriage where you accept what you did. I can’t call it settling because that’s unkind. My husband loves me deeply. He does a fuck Ton he really doesn’t want to do because he loves me. He doesn’t look at other girls. But for fucks sake does he hold my hand? Does he care for me like i need? Hell no. I am not “happy” he doesn’t hug me, snuggle me, dote on me. But he loves me. Just in that god damn way i have no control of. I can rationally see it but it still leaves an ache in me so deep it breaks me

Sail away

Sometimes when I try to fall asleep I imagine being drifted away on a boat. I’m lying there in the sun, I can hear the waves, feel them rocking the boat gently. There is no pain. I keep repeating, there is no pain. My mom taught me this, and imagining the sun on my face, like it will draw the pain out, keep the sharp stings from coming on, protect me somehow. I’m thankful for it. Sometimes all my brain & body needs is rest but it won’t let go. This meditation soothes me, takes me away.

I’ve only been taking the added magnesium for a few days. I’m not the best with patience. Ok, I’m the worst actually. But for nerves to heal and pain to lessen takes time. More time than I want to be robbed of, so I quietly try not to be frustrated with my body.

Instead I cling to what it can do. I remind myself of my strengths & talents- after all, perfection would be boring really. Then what would I strive for? To maintain? Never! Always a new goal, always more ways to heal & help. Just not always at the pace I want. So I’m working on enjoying the little things more. Playing with my little piglet, who although is four, still looks like a perpetual puppy to me. Taking care of my flowers. Cooking! Maybe this pain is a reminder sometimes to slow down. I have so much to do that I end up like the white rabbit, when really I need to reign it in and get back to the beach.

20130605-113811.jpg